Transformation

Everything start from last Friday.
I went to work as usual at last Friday.
Unexpected, my god-mother bought me some cloth and pant,
saying that the those I’m wearing now look dull and unfit (my size 5 years ago).
Suddenly, I have a strong feeling that I should actually change myself.

The first thing I did was to cut my hair.
This is the first time I spent any bucks to actually do something,
just to make myself look better.
I haven’t cut my hair for more than half a year,
so it actually look like a bunch of grass.
I still remember that when I’m waiting,
one of the staff actually about to cut my hair,
but at the end she gave up,
as she didn’t know how to cut it (@.@).
At the end,
the boss of the shop,
which is the old master,
cut my hair with his strong skill.
And finally, I’m looking neat and better now! (No photo, yet)

This is the first step so far about the transformation.
At the time,
I was actually decided to change myself and start to put my heart into her.

At Friday night,
I try to chat with her on Facebook.
However, she doesn’t seem like to chat to me.
I asked if she want to go out at Saturday,
she said that she will be out with her friends.

At Saturday,
I actually found that she’s home the whole day.
I didn’t ask her why,
but I did ask her about Sunday.
She said that she’ll probably go out with her friends.

Again, at Sunday,
she’s at home again.
From the way she reply my chat,
I did actually realise that,
probably I’m just a friend,
or just someone who appear to be a friend,
but actually nothing more than a stranger.

Since Sunday afternoon,
I haven’t chat to her anymore,
and I think that I won’t really initiate any chat with her again.
After all,
we’re so different.
There is a huge gap between us,
and I don’t think that I can cross the gap at all.
I think I really gave up now…

Today morning,
I wore the new working suit,
use my new smile,
to face the my work and my new world.
Transformation continue,
not for love, nor for work, but for myself!

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Trying to Jailbreak

Emotion is the hardest thing to hide, isn’t it?

After two days of trying to suppress the emotion,
it’s appear that my hard work actually failed.
I’ll browse her Facebook profile everyday for update,
check her status,
or even chat with her today when I saw she’s disappointed.
As soon as I saw something,
I will be very concern,
will reply over there or even ask her.
It seem impossible to total ignore her…

I think this time,
my heart is fall for real.
My mind will start to think of her when it’s idle,
even at work or when I’m having class.
There is no way that can make me not thinking of her.

At today afternoon,
my friends try to push me to go for her.
However, I really don’t have any confidence in myself.
I don’t want to lose a friend…

After asking if she’s alright on Facebook as I saw her post,
she told me that she’s alright.
But a few minutes later,
I saw that she said “u’r just a boy.”
I don’t know why,
but my direct feeling is that,
the statement is pointed to me,
that I’m still too young,
or not mature enough to be with her…

Once again,
the feeling of love decay,
turned into poison that seem to be impossible to cleanse from my body…
What can I do?

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Jailed the Heart

Today mood and feeling is kinda unstable.
Well, not angry nor depress,
just can’t decide what should I do.

In the morning,
I already realise that she’s actually waiting for the man to give her a gift,
as today is the White Valentine.
However,
she didn’t really expect much from it,
as she also know that the man might not really interested in her.

While I’m on the bus,
I’m actually planned to make a simple website as postcard for her.
I think that might at least make her happy,
even thought I don’t have to admit anything.

However,
when I’m working,
I think a lot about everything surrounded me and her.
I do know that she’s someone who got much higher ‘requirement’.
Basically, I’m really not her type.
I did think that,
if I really make that for her,
she will probably know that I’d like her a bit,
and probably will think that I already fell for her.
The consequences might be, we might not even be friend at all.

Even thought I did like her,
but I don’t really think that I want to start any relationship.
I already decided not to start any relationship unless everything of my life is stable,
which now isn’t the time as well.
Even thought the two days was very happy,
at the end I’ve decided that,
maybe everything will be much better if we stay the sample,
rather than breaking everything apart because of my rush decision.
Well, I’m A-type Taurus at the end,
someone who always think every possible consequences before making any decision.

Maybe my current decision might actually lost the chance for us to be together,
but actually I’m convincing myself to not feel bad toward that,
as maybe I’m just too lonely and fell for the wrong feeling.
It is good to think twice before making any decision.
I don’t want to lose the friendship,
so it’s much better not try to break the barrier.

So today I try not to talk to her too much,
try to fall back into my daily routine without thinking too much,
the same old day,
just like before she’s here.
Maybe people will think that I didn’t have to courage to love,
but actually that’s the truth.
Ever since I first having crush on someone,
I always scare that I will lost her as a friend.
I’m still always me, never change.
Maybe my coward feeling just get worse after my first relationship.

I still think that this is the best decision,
as myself know very well about my condition that,
I’m busy all day for working and study,
the only rest day is Sunday,
which is housekeeping day as well.
I also need to save money for my school fees or else in the coming June,
I might be sent home because don’t have any fund to pay for the school fees.

At the end,
I locked my heart just like what I did before.
It is still in the lock,
nearly break out.
Hopefully,
I can have the strength,
enough to sustain this,
and,
lock it until it’s the time for it to fly.

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A Lonely Heart is a Magnet…

Two days ago, Friday,
one of my friend currently study in China left me a message,
asking did I know that a friend of her,
which is from the same school with me,
also study in Perth.
I never talk to her before,
but after getting the message,
I tried to contact her through Facebook.

Saturday
She reached me back yesterday on Facebook,
and gave me her phone number.
I called her after finish work,
and without pre-plan,
we actually decided to meet at Perth city.
After I arrived there and saw her,
even though it’s a few years back since I last saw her at school,
I can still remember her,
a pretty girl…

I’m not sure when I first saw her,
but she’s quite famous girl in our school.
She involved in almost every activities because not only of her look,
but also her presenting skills.
She left quite strong images in my heart,
even though I didn’t really know her.
However, the another side of it is,
she’s also famous as a very fierce girl if you annoyed her.
That’s probably why even I know quite a lot of people from my school,
I didn’t really know her.

Just a very basic greeting,
probably because we’re foreigner in the country with same background,
we goes into topic easily and within minute,
we start to talk like old friends.

We decided to have our dinner at a Vietnamese Restaurant.
I found that actually our personality are quite close,
probably because we’re both Taurus,
and with similar background,
we have similar point of view.
Even it was the first night we actually know each other,
we go into a lot of topic from life, study to friendship, love and almost everything.
She even told me she had a crush on somebody in Perth (D’oh!)
But somehow, I’m a little bit attracted to her…

After I showed her around Perth’s night time,
we decided to head home with the train,
but I will walk her home before I go home,
as it’s already night and there is a bit of walk before she can reach home.

On the street back to her home,
there is a dog suddenly barking at her,
which she was freaked,
and come to really near me,
close enough for me to actually hug her.
My initial respond was about to hug her,
but at the end,
my rational stopped.
I’m not sure if she know that I’m about to …
but as a slow-respond-dumb Taurus,
I really doubt that she did.

Even though it’s probably my body reflection,
but I did know that, I’m thinking too much, way too much than I should…

————————————————————————————-

Sunday
We decided to go out together again,
even though we both have something to study for the coming test (:P)
We go to SciTech in City West,
which is the location she’d want to go.
She was so excited when she’s in there,
which somehow made me happy to see her smile.
At the end, I don’t really spend much time on the invention,
but instead, spend more time to make her happy.

After we finished in SciTech,
we walk to Harbour Town,
which is not far away from here.
She just have a brief look around,
and decided that we should have our late lunch.
However, there is not much to eat in the mall,
which we decided to go to the Hungry Jack in the city.

After finish our late lunch,
it’s already near dawn.
I bring her to take blue cat to reach Esplanade,
and sent her home.
But this time,
I didn’t go as soon as she reached home.
We had some talk in front of the house,
until the sun nearly set.
I did mention about I start to feel a bit.. like, don’t really want to go,
but in a joking way.
She just smile,
and eventually, I left.
She took it as a joke,
even though it’s actually my feeling,
just that she didn’t know.

————————————————————————————-

I don’t really know why I will have such strong feeling,
even though we just meet.
Probably because of the lonely feeling in my heart,
as I have been non-stop working and study for months,
without really having much entertainment,
without really having much friends,
especially girl.

It is lonely that cause the heart to stick to whoever I meet?
Or am I really fall that easy?
There is no easy answer,
but hopefully,
at least, we can be friend longer….

I’ve to admit, I’d like her…

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Time: The best solvent

When present become past,
the best way to escape from being captured into the realm of memory,
is to poison ourself with work.
After all, time is the best solvent,
to dissolve all the feeling,
love, hate, happiness, pain, desperation, grief, sorrow…

After soaked in all of the extreme emotion,
time and business washed me from those emotion,
and finally, I’m numb…

I can still feel the little feeling in my heart,
all of the feeling I once felt towards her,
but it’s a past now.
The feeling is as little as I can barely feel it anymore.
After all, the best solvent diluted it,
to a stage that I can finally close my eye with ease.

Should I be happy?
It’s at least half a year since she left,
I can’t even remember when she left,
everything has been washed away harshly,
until I don’t even remember, how she look like…

Should I be happy that,
at least I can forgot he cruelly,
or should I be sad that,
after all the time we spent,
love gave us nothing?

When love became past tense,
it left nothing,
but lesson & experience…

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Back to Uni

After struggling everyday in the workplace,
finally it’s time to back to class.
Been really tired of everyday non-stop working,
and feel quite happy that finally can go back to study.

The original plan was taking class on Tue, Wed and Thu.
Later found that the class on Tue also offer on Wed morning,
which I changed.
That’s mean,
now I’m having double class on Wed (Lab and Lec),
and double calss on Thu (Tut and Lec).

I try to squeezed my class time into same day as much as I can,
even it was not what I original intended to.
But in order to make more time to work,
I have to do it,
as my family already having kinda serious financial problem.

Have to save as much money as I can now…

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Result Released

Actually the result released 2 weeks ago,
but due to the busy work,
haven’t able to really get online.

The first result I got,
for Engineering Innovation and Ethic,
is the worst result I ever got.
70% – Distinction.
It’s actually not bad,
just the lowest I ever got.
Expected to get higher than this,
but since my team partner left the team,
I already can see the falling of the result.

Engineering Drawing and Computer Aided Design,
80% – High Distinction.
This one suppose to be 90% when I get it,
but the course coordinator dishonestly degraded everyone in the class without giving reason,
just for scaling.
Unhappy but nothing can be done.

Programming Principle (Java),
92% – High Distinction.
The best among all,
was expected a little bit higher,
but the result is there.
Still happy about this result.

Conclusion:
The result I got in this semester is not really that good.
In order to keep up with the good result,
I really have to do better in the upcoming semester,
or all previous hard work will be wasted.

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